![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
The previous entry that was riddled with unreadable blue text should be fine now - thanks to whoever pointed that out!
December 18th, 2006
This is a combination of the "tip of the week" and "favorite emofree.com article" postings, as this time of year has created a real time crunch over here! Nevertheless, maybe this will give someone a useful experiment to do!
The below information is by Jaqui Crooks, EFT Master, from emofree.com:
For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere who are now in the deep, dark, short winter days, the lack of natural light can be a problem.
Often we go to work in the dark and come home in the dark and summer and sunlight seems a distant memory.
This can be where people suffer from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. This can lead to a low level of depression, or something more serious. It’s certainly not something that people look forward to.
I suffered from SAD for several years and I finally cleared it using EFT. If you’d like to try out my method, enjoy yourself and play with the technique below in a way that works for you.
* Think about getting up in the dark, looking out of the window at a dark grey day. What does that picture look like? Is it black and white? Coloured? Clear? Hazy?
* Step into the picture. Check where you have that feeling of lowness in your body. You might want to check if it has a colour or a shape. Gather as much information about the feeling as you can.
* Imagine stepping out of that picture and take a couple of breaths.
* Create an image of you in the summer, somewhere you love to be. It could be in the country, at the beach, somewhere with sunlight and warmth. What does that picture look like?
* Step into the picture and really feel what it’s like when you are full of energy, warm and feeling great. Where is that feeling in your body? Colour? Shape?
* Step out of the picture and take a couple of deep breaths.
* Now for the tapping! I have given some suggestions below, but please fill in the blanks with your own words and feelings as that is what will make this work for you.
* Even though, when it’s winter and it’s dark, I have that low feeling in my….(solar plexus) and it’s ….(grey and soft and stuck ) I deeply and completely accept myself. 3x on the Karate Chop point, followed by the rest of the points with a reminder phrase such as winter, dark, low, sad.
* Back to the Karate Chop point.
* Even though when it’s summer and I have that feeling in my ….(heart) And it’s ….(blue and shiny and moving),I deeply and completely accept myself. 3x on the karate Chop point. Complete the round with reminders such as Joyful, bright, light.
* Back to the Karate Chop point.
* Even though in the winter, I feel low with that dark grey feeling, I choose to feel the summer joy and brightness, even when the sky is dark and the weather is bad and I deeply and completely accept myself.
* Even though I used to have those feelings in winter, I choose the part that creates those old feelings, to create the summer feelings instead.
* Even though I’m used to feeling low and sad in winter, I chose to feel sunny inside instead.
* Complete the round with reminders such as sunny, bright, joyful.
For some people the image they see will be stronger and for some people the feelings in their body will be stronger. Just use whichever works best for you and notice the difference when you wake up on a grey day.
The below information is by Jaqui Crooks, EFT Master, from emofree.com:
For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere who are now in the deep, dark, short winter days, the lack of natural light can be a problem.
Often we go to work in the dark and come home in the dark and summer and sunlight seems a distant memory.
This can be where people suffer from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. This can lead to a low level of depression, or something more serious. It’s certainly not something that people look forward to.
I suffered from SAD for several years and I finally cleared it using EFT. If you’d like to try out my method, enjoy yourself and play with the technique below in a way that works for you.
* Think about getting up in the dark, looking out of the window at a dark grey day. What does that picture look like? Is it black and white? Coloured? Clear? Hazy?
* Step into the picture. Check where you have that feeling of lowness in your body. You might want to check if it has a colour or a shape. Gather as much information about the feeling as you can.
* Imagine stepping out of that picture and take a couple of breaths.
* Create an image of you in the summer, somewhere you love to be. It could be in the country, at the beach, somewhere with sunlight and warmth. What does that picture look like?
* Step into the picture and really feel what it’s like when you are full of energy, warm and feeling great. Where is that feeling in your body? Colour? Shape?
* Step out of the picture and take a couple of deep breaths.
* Now for the tapping! I have given some suggestions below, but please fill in the blanks with your own words and feelings as that is what will make this work for you.
* Even though, when it’s winter and it’s dark, I have that low feeling in my….(solar plexus) and it’s ….(grey and soft and stuck ) I deeply and completely accept myself. 3x on the Karate Chop point, followed by the rest of the points with a reminder phrase such as winter, dark, low, sad.
* Back to the Karate Chop point.
* Even though when it’s summer and I have that feeling in my ….(heart) And it’s ….(blue and shiny and moving),I deeply and completely accept myself. 3x on the karate Chop point. Complete the round with reminders such as Joyful, bright, light.
* Back to the Karate Chop point.
* Even though in the winter, I feel low with that dark grey feeling, I choose to feel the summer joy and brightness, even when the sky is dark and the weather is bad and I deeply and completely accept myself.
* Even though I used to have those feelings in winter, I choose the part that creates those old feelings, to create the summer feelings instead.
* Even though I’m used to feeling low and sad in winter, I chose to feel sunny inside instead.
* Complete the round with reminders such as sunny, bright, joyful.
For some people the image they see will be stronger and for some people the feelings in their body will be stronger. Just use whichever works best for you and notice the difference when you wake up on a grey day.
November 27th, 2006
For those in the Bay Area:
Boundaries Workshop for Working With Kids (of all ages)
This workshop is specifically for parents, babysitters, teachers, and
anyone else who spends time with kids. Kids and teenagers are
incredibly good at testing boundaries. If we don't have the tools we
need for dealing with that, we can find ourselves snarling, yelling,
shutting down communication, getting really stressed out, and viewing
them as the enemy, as they unintentionally press all our old buttons.
This workshop will help participants feel secure and empowered in
their ability to set appropriate boundaries and stick with them -
without stressing out. Best of all, once you have incredible
boundary-setting skills, you will be able to pass these skills on to
the kids in your life, and they will feel respected and safe around
you.
In the Boundaries Workshop, we'll use fun balancing exercises, learn
tricks for identifying previously avoided feelings, and do written
exercises that reveal our boundaries and the personal power we're not
claiming in our lives. We'll learn to use EFT, a powerful acupressure
technique, on ourselves to strip the fear from our plans to reclaim
our lives. Particular attention will be given to self-harming
behaviors and the way we can violate our own boundaries without
noticing.
This three-hour workshop (from 1 to 4 pm) will use fun physical and
written exercises to learn about using our boundaries to the fullest.
Participants will become experts in our own feelings, and do great
detective work using those feelings to unearth long-neglected
boundaries. From there, we will find out how to express, defend, and
respect our own and our children's boundaries, and become incredibly
powerful in our own lives.
Sign up now by emailing eft4peace at gmail dot com.
Mention livejournal and get $10 off this workshop ($40
instead of $50)! Pre-registration is required so that we know how many
people to plan for. All workshops take place at East Bay Energy
Therapy's home-based office in North Oakland: register for address and
directions! You can learn more at http://eft.fabglitter.org.
Boundaries Workshop for Working With Kids (of all ages)
This workshop is specifically for parents, babysitters, teachers, and
anyone else who spends time with kids. Kids and teenagers are
incredibly good at testing boundaries. If we don't have the tools we
need for dealing with that, we can find ourselves snarling, yelling,
shutting down communication, getting really stressed out, and viewing
them as the enemy, as they unintentionally press all our old buttons.
This workshop will help participants feel secure and empowered in
their ability to set appropriate boundaries and stick with them -
without stressing out. Best of all, once you have incredible
boundary-setting skills, you will be able to pass these skills on to
the kids in your life, and they will feel respected and safe around
you.
In the Boundaries Workshop, we'll use fun balancing exercises, learn
tricks for identifying previously avoided feelings, and do written
exercises that reveal our boundaries and the personal power we're not
claiming in our lives. We'll learn to use EFT, a powerful acupressure
technique, on ourselves to strip the fear from our plans to reclaim
our lives. Particular attention will be given to self-harming
behaviors and the way we can violate our own boundaries without
noticing.
This three-hour workshop (from 1 to 4 pm) will use fun physical and
written exercises to learn about using our boundaries to the fullest.
Participants will become experts in our own feelings, and do great
detective work using those feelings to unearth long-neglected
boundaries. From there, we will find out how to express, defend, and
respect our own and our children's boundaries, and become incredibly
powerful in our own lives.
Sign up now by emailing eft4peace at gmail dot com.
Mention livejournal and get $10 off this workshop ($40
instead of $50)! Pre-registration is required so that we know how many
people to plan for. All workshops take place at East Bay Energy
Therapy's home-based office in North Oakland: register for address and
directions! You can learn more at http://eft.fabglitter.org.
This is all you got last week because of the holidays - but this week will be full of EFT-related fun.
Our tip for the week is a small one:
Tapping Into 100 Meetings
It sounds illegal, doesn't it? But 100 Meetings is just the nickname for the acupressure point at the crown of your head.
It's called 100 meetings because it touches all the yang energy meridians on the body. It's also known as "bai hui" or "governing vessel 20." Along with two other points we'll meet later, it forms a powerful short alternate version of EFT's "basic recipe." In acupuncture and acupressure, it is used for a whole lot of things: to clear jammed energy (well would you look at that? that's what we do!) and as the main point for headache, dizziness, eye pain and redness, irritability, hypertension from excess yang in the upper body, or for internal wind as in seizures, tinnitus, and a lot of the above issues. It's also the main point for hemorrhoids, and anal/vaginal/uterine prolapse. So, it does a lot, albeit in conjunction with a tossed salad of other points.
Many advanced practitioners use this point on its own to finish off a particular issue. Some even use it on its own throughout the EFT process, skipping all the other points. It's a matter of intuition: sometimes you can sense that this is where you need to concentrate your efforts. Experiment with it and see how it works for you!
All you need to do is tap gently on it. You can use two fingers, or bunch all your fingertips together to make sure you get it. It is generally right by that swirl where your hair comes out of your head; to find it on your own head, touch each thumb to the top of its ear and bring your index fingers together. Bai hui is where they meet on your head.
Choose something to tap on: tension somewhere in your body, an issue that is making you angry, or whatever you like. Rate its intensity on a scale of 0 to 10, then tap lightly on bai hui, breathing and focusing on that issue until its intensity decreases as much as you like. You may experience immediate relief or have to give it a few minutes. If it intensifies, keep going; that usually means that you have been repressing your awareness of these feelings and are now discovering how you really feel before it begins to ebb away. If it does not decrease at all and your arm gets tired, stop; this usually means that the problem has many different aspects that need to be addressed individually before the whole thing will collapse.
As always, feel free to try this out and share your experiences or questions here!
Our tip for the week is a small one:
Tapping Into 100 Meetings
It sounds illegal, doesn't it? But 100 Meetings is just the nickname for the acupressure point at the crown of your head.
It's called 100 meetings because it touches all the yang energy meridians on the body. It's also known as "bai hui" or "governing vessel 20." Along with two other points we'll meet later, it forms a powerful short alternate version of EFT's "basic recipe." In acupuncture and acupressure, it is used for a whole lot of things: to clear jammed energy (well would you look at that? that's what we do!) and as the main point for headache, dizziness, eye pain and redness, irritability, hypertension from excess yang in the upper body, or for internal wind as in seizures, tinnitus, and a lot of the above issues. It's also the main point for hemorrhoids, and anal/vaginal/uterine prolapse. So, it does a lot, albeit in conjunction with a tossed salad of other points.
Many advanced practitioners use this point on its own to finish off a particular issue. Some even use it on its own throughout the EFT process, skipping all the other points. It's a matter of intuition: sometimes you can sense that this is where you need to concentrate your efforts. Experiment with it and see how it works for you!
All you need to do is tap gently on it. You can use two fingers, or bunch all your fingertips together to make sure you get it. It is generally right by that swirl where your hair comes out of your head; to find it on your own head, touch each thumb to the top of its ear and bring your index fingers together. Bai hui is where they meet on your head.
Choose something to tap on: tension somewhere in your body, an issue that is making you angry, or whatever you like. Rate its intensity on a scale of 0 to 10, then tap lightly on bai hui, breathing and focusing on that issue until its intensity decreases as much as you like. You may experience immediate relief or have to give it a few minutes. If it intensifies, keep going; that usually means that you have been repressing your awareness of these feelings and are now discovering how you really feel before it begins to ebb away. If it does not decrease at all and your arm gets tired, stop; this usually means that the problem has many different aspects that need to be addressed individually before the whole thing will collapse.
As always, feel free to try this out and share your experiences or questions here!
excitedNovember 20th, 2006
This is from our new brochure, Using EFT for Daily Growth:
There are many great ways to use EFT as a kind of daily workout for your spiri t. Many people enjoy using it at the end of the day as they review their day’s ups and downs; this can be a wonderful bedtime ritual for parents with young children.
Some people choose to do the Personal Peace Procedure, writing down every bothersome event they can think of in their entire lives and tapping on one each day for three months. EFT practitioner Eaglemoon Raes has come up with an innovative daily ritual which pairs EFT with a popular inspirational passage by Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
“Actually, who are you not to be?
“You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
“We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson, “A Return To Love”
A Recommended Round
The acupressure points used in this exercise are as follows: the inside corner of one eye next to the nose (IE), the outside corner of the eye (OE), underneath the eye (UE), above the lips (AL), below the lips (BL), just below one knob of the collarbone (CB), about four inches below the armpit on the ribs (AP), and on the very top of the head (TH).
It does not matter which side of the body you choose or which hand you use - the points are identical on either side. Tap lightly on each point, about seven times, as you say the corresponding phrase:
IE: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
OE: Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
UE: It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
AL: We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
BL: Actually, who are you not to be?
CB: You are a child of god.
AP: Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
TH: There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
IE: We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
OE: It is not just in some of us;
UE it is in everyone.
AL: And as we let our own light shine,
BL: we unconsciously give other people permission
CB: to do the same.
AP: As we are liberated from our own fear,
TH: our presence automatically liberates others.
Eaglemoon Raes’ Story
After I do a round of "our greatest fear..." I then tap from the perspective of:
My greatest fear...
and Her greatest fear...
After tapping on this for a few days, I was in a situation where a friend of mine wanted me to continue "shrinking so others wouldn't feel insecure around me". I realized that a huge shift was happening and was amazed that on my drive home, my spine began cracking and elongating. It was wild. My back was stretching out. At the time, I was in a small office where I literally had to shrink to avoid hitting my head. A couple of days after my back starting to stretch out, I found myself in a rental disagreement with my landlord and was now out of an office space. "Playing small doesn't serve the world".
I have since tapped on "Even though it is my light not my darkness that most frightens me I accept who I am" and, "Even though My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure I accept who I am."
I teach a workshop called "Unleash Your Power" and we all tap on this prayer together during the 6 week training. It's so powerful. The students then tap on it as homework between classes.
I love that EFT gives us such freedom to just play and change and grow. It's that simple! I love this work. I'm truly amazed everyday at how much easier life is now that I can tap on my daily struggles. My life isn't free of challenges. I'm just not making them as serious as I used to.
(featured on http://emofree.com) </font>
I've been experimenting with this exercise myself. I do it three times in a day, but I haven't been doing it daily; more like every other day. Still, I've been experiencing similar cracking and expanding effects in my back. I do a lot of yoga, but that doesn't explain it - I've been doing a lot of yoga for six months, and did a lot more at the beginning, and it's only now that my spine is crackling and wanting to stretch like this.
It's also tied in with EFT exercises I've been doing to reduce old shame. It's great for that: this exercise really serves to amplify that work and help expand it into all aspects of my life. It seems to help make the ideas in this Marianne Williamson quote become automatic assumptions instead of daring affirmations. Try it yourself and feel free to share your experiences here in a comment! I think doing it three times a day is a great goal, but for some people it might be easier to start out with once a day, or to make a commitment to do it, say, at every meal, or even every time you go into the bathroom - whatever works for you! On Wednesday we'll have a video here walking you through the tapping points in this process.
There are many great ways to use EFT as a kind of daily workout for your spiri t. Many people enjoy using it at the end of the day as they review their day’s ups and downs; this can be a wonderful bedtime ritual for parents with young children.
Some people choose to do the Personal Peace Procedure, writing down every bothersome event they can think of in their entire lives and tapping on one each day for three months. EFT practitioner Eaglemoon Raes has come up with an innovative daily ritual which pairs EFT with a popular inspirational passage by Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
“Actually, who are you not to be?
“You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
“We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson, “A Return To Love”
A Recommended Round
The acupressure points used in this exercise are as follows: the inside corner of one eye next to the nose (IE), the outside corner of the eye (OE), underneath the eye (UE), above the lips (AL), below the lips (BL), just below one knob of the collarbone (CB), about four inches below the armpit on the ribs (AP), and on the very top of the head (TH).
It does not matter which side of the body you choose or which hand you use - the points are identical on either side. Tap lightly on each point, about seven times, as you say the corresponding phrase:
IE: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
OE: Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
UE: It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
AL: We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?”
BL: Actually, who are you not to be?
CB: You are a child of god.
AP: Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
TH: There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
IE: We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
OE: It is not just in some of us;
UE it is in everyone.
AL: And as we let our own light shine,
BL: we unconsciously give other people permission
CB: to do the same.
AP: As we are liberated from our own fear,
TH: our presence automatically liberates others.
Eaglemoon Raes’ Story
After I do a round of "our greatest fear..." I then tap from the perspective of:
My greatest fear...
and Her greatest fear...
After tapping on this for a few days, I was in a situation where a friend of mine wanted me to continue "shrinking so others wouldn't feel insecure around me". I realized that a huge shift was happening and was amazed that on my drive home, my spine began cracking and elongating. It was wild. My back was stretching out. At the time, I was in a small office where I literally had to shrink to avoid hitting my head. A couple of days after my back starting to stretch out, I found myself in a rental disagreement with my landlord and was now out of an office space. "Playing small doesn't serve the world".
I have since tapped on "Even though it is my light not my darkness that most frightens me I accept who I am" and, "Even though My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure I accept who I am."
I teach a workshop called "Unleash Your Power" and we all tap on this prayer together during the 6 week training. It's so powerful. The students then tap on it as homework between classes.
I love that EFT gives us such freedom to just play and change and grow. It's that simple! I love this work. I'm truly amazed everyday at how much easier life is now that I can tap on my daily struggles. My life isn't free of challenges. I'm just not making them as serious as I used to.
(featured on http://emofree.com) </font>
I've been experimenting with this exercise myself. I do it three times in a day, but I haven't been doing it daily; more like every other day. Still, I've been experiencing similar cracking and expanding effects in my back. I do a lot of yoga, but that doesn't explain it - I've been doing a lot of yoga for six months, and did a lot more at the beginning, and it's only now that my spine is crackling and wanting to stretch like this.
It's also tied in with EFT exercises I've been doing to reduce old shame. It's great for that: this exercise really serves to amplify that work and help expand it into all aspects of my life. It seems to help make the ideas in this Marianne Williamson quote become automatic assumptions instead of daring affirmations. Try it yourself and feel free to share your experiences here in a comment! I think doing it three times a day is a great goal, but for some people it might be easier to start out with once a day, or to make a commitment to do it, say, at every meal, or even every time you go into the bathroom - whatever works for you! On Wednesday we'll have a video here walking you through the tapping points in this process.
Well, it's exciting to us!
Mondays I will post an exercise people can do that week; Wednesdays I post a related video; Thursdays I share some kind of insight or a recovery essay; and Saturdays I post one of my favorite articles from emofree.com. It is going to be so fun and interesting, your eyes might blow up!
That'll be our new slogan.
Mondays I will post an exercise people can do that week; Wednesdays I post a related video; Thursdays I share some kind of insight or a recovery essay; and Saturdays I post one of my favorite articles from emofree.com. It is going to be so fun and interesting, your eyes might blow up!
That'll be our new slogan.
November 18th, 2006
I realized something exciting while working on releasing shame issues the other day. (EFT is so great for that!)
The most basic version of the setup phrase ends with "I love and accept myself exactly as I am." Or words to that general effect. I don't know exactly how they concocted that. Making a statment accepting our problem and saying something positive about ourselves is supposed to help us be willing to heal, and not sabotage ourselves subconsciously while doing EFT. Often, people don't need to do this. Interestingly, it's often not necessary when we don't WANT healing because we get some secondary benefit from whatever's wrong, like getting taken care of when we're sick. It's often only necessary when we, on some level, are afraid that the healing won't work. I think, really, when we are invested in this fear, afraid of who we will be without the problem we're working on.
But I realized that the reason that it is such a powerful part of the EFT process is that not loving and accepting ourselves exactly as we are is the cause of all our emotional pain.
I realize that that sounds incredibly new age, white light, fluffy bunny, and dotty hippie-ish. But consider it for a moment. First of all, there's a reason that every twelve-step program's steps begin with accepting our problems exactly as they are. It's very hard to make or accept changes as long as we're still in denial about what we need to change, and what the effects of our choices have been.
Acceptance is an incredible antidote to fear of all kinds. The opposite of accepting ourselves is feeling shame about ourselves. Often, we feel like we can't accept ourselves, that we have to keep pushing and pressuring and shaming ourselves, brow-beating and beleaguering ourselves, or else we'll never get anything done right. We substitute emotional abuse for trust and peace. And the less it works, the harder we think we have to be on ourselves to compensate. It comes out of a fear of ourselves that is worsened by that abuse, a fear of our bosses, a fear of our parents, a fear of what will happen if we don't try to control anything.... Healing from this fear, and moving from control to empowerment, requires accepting ourselves and the reality of our lives and our needs. We can't start to change things until we are willing to be where we are and let go of the harmful ways we try to control everything.
Accepting ourselves with all our flaws is an act of love. There are no perfect people; to be human is to be imperfect. Another way of looking at that is that we are all perfect exactly as we are: perfectly worthy of love, abundance, acceptance, support, and all other good things. Love is almost redundant in the setup phrase, but I think it reminds us that this is the loving kind of acceptance, not the begrudgingly angry kind. Gary Craig, who put EFT together, uses a variation in Steps To Becoming The Ultimate Therapist where he has someone say "Even if I never get over this problem, I love and accept myself exactly as I am." What a scary thing to say - and yet, if that's not true, how are we really loving and accepting ourselves as we are?
We need to love and accept ourselves in order to heal. But does that really mean that not loving and accepting ourselves is the source of all emotional pain?
Well, it's an idea in progress, but I think it's a good one. Think about being insulted or stood up by someone: it only hurts when it hooks into something painful we feel about ourselves. When I really accept and love myself, feel secure in who I am, and I am stood up, I can't take it personally. All I can see is that I have a lot of options for getting what I want and getting my needs met - for having fun no matter what else happens - and that the other person has had some kind of problem, whether it is a car accident or compulsive lateness. It's only when I am struggling with fears of abandonment and of not being loved or worthy of love that it hurts to be stood up. The same goes for being insulted. If someone calls me a farty snot biscuit, it makes me laugh. If they call me something that I am afraid is true, I feel hurt and afraid, because I'm not accepting myself - whether the thing is true or not. If they call me something that is definitely true, that I accept is a problem and through which I can love myself, I am still not bothered by it; I am only, possibly, bothered a little that it is hurting them.
Over the past year I have been working to let go of fear, guilt, shame, and controlling assholes, and my experience every time has been that painful feelings of fear, guilt, and shame - and the presence of "controlling assholes" in my life, and my own need to "control assholes" - have all been the result of not lovingly accepting myself. When I have done things that hurt me, or others, it has invariably somehow been a result of fear. When I have felt angry in a way that is painful to me, it has come out of fear. When I can accept that I have problems with time or money or food or shame or keeping my car clean inside, and commit out of love of myself to working on those problems because I deserve better, my emotional pain around those things mysteriously disappears. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but invariably.
I think this is remarkable. It is so awesome that one little line from EFT can hold such a deep truth about life and healing. It is great because it mirrors work I've done and it will make it so much easier to leave emotional pain behind, now that I consciously know this stuff. I have known for a couple of years that my feelings used to be so painful and scary to me and that now, somehow, they aren't, but I didn't know exactly why. It makes me wonder what other ground-shaking things I'm going to discover along the way!
The most basic version of the setup phrase ends with "I love and accept myself exactly as I am." Or words to that general effect. I don't know exactly how they concocted that. Making a statment accepting our problem and saying something positive about ourselves is supposed to help us be willing to heal, and not sabotage ourselves subconsciously while doing EFT. Often, people don't need to do this. Interestingly, it's often not necessary when we don't WANT healing because we get some secondary benefit from whatever's wrong, like getting taken care of when we're sick. It's often only necessary when we, on some level, are afraid that the healing won't work. I think, really, when we are invested in this fear, afraid of who we will be without the problem we're working on.
But I realized that the reason that it is such a powerful part of the EFT process is that not loving and accepting ourselves exactly as we are is the cause of all our emotional pain.
I realize that that sounds incredibly new age, white light, fluffy bunny, and dotty hippie-ish. But consider it for a moment. First of all, there's a reason that every twelve-step program's steps begin with accepting our problems exactly as they are. It's very hard to make or accept changes as long as we're still in denial about what we need to change, and what the effects of our choices have been.
Acceptance is an incredible antidote to fear of all kinds. The opposite of accepting ourselves is feeling shame about ourselves. Often, we feel like we can't accept ourselves, that we have to keep pushing and pressuring and shaming ourselves, brow-beating and beleaguering ourselves, or else we'll never get anything done right. We substitute emotional abuse for trust and peace. And the less it works, the harder we think we have to be on ourselves to compensate. It comes out of a fear of ourselves that is worsened by that abuse, a fear of our bosses, a fear of our parents, a fear of what will happen if we don't try to control anything.... Healing from this fear, and moving from control to empowerment, requires accepting ourselves and the reality of our lives and our needs. We can't start to change things until we are willing to be where we are and let go of the harmful ways we try to control everything.
Accepting ourselves with all our flaws is an act of love. There are no perfect people; to be human is to be imperfect. Another way of looking at that is that we are all perfect exactly as we are: perfectly worthy of love, abundance, acceptance, support, and all other good things. Love is almost redundant in the setup phrase, but I think it reminds us that this is the loving kind of acceptance, not the begrudgingly angry kind. Gary Craig, who put EFT together, uses a variation in Steps To Becoming The Ultimate Therapist where he has someone say "Even if I never get over this problem, I love and accept myself exactly as I am." What a scary thing to say - and yet, if that's not true, how are we really loving and accepting ourselves as we are?
We need to love and accept ourselves in order to heal. But does that really mean that not loving and accepting ourselves is the source of all emotional pain?
Well, it's an idea in progress, but I think it's a good one. Think about being insulted or stood up by someone: it only hurts when it hooks into something painful we feel about ourselves. When I really accept and love myself, feel secure in who I am, and I am stood up, I can't take it personally. All I can see is that I have a lot of options for getting what I want and getting my needs met - for having fun no matter what else happens - and that the other person has had some kind of problem, whether it is a car accident or compulsive lateness. It's only when I am struggling with fears of abandonment and of not being loved or worthy of love that it hurts to be stood up. The same goes for being insulted. If someone calls me a farty snot biscuit, it makes me laugh. If they call me something that I am afraid is true, I feel hurt and afraid, because I'm not accepting myself - whether the thing is true or not. If they call me something that is definitely true, that I accept is a problem and through which I can love myself, I am still not bothered by it; I am only, possibly, bothered a little that it is hurting them.
Over the past year I have been working to let go of fear, guilt, shame, and controlling assholes, and my experience every time has been that painful feelings of fear, guilt, and shame - and the presence of "controlling assholes" in my life, and my own need to "control assholes" - have all been the result of not lovingly accepting myself. When I have done things that hurt me, or others, it has invariably somehow been a result of fear. When I have felt angry in a way that is painful to me, it has come out of fear. When I can accept that I have problems with time or money or food or shame or keeping my car clean inside, and commit out of love of myself to working on those problems because I deserve better, my emotional pain around those things mysteriously disappears. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but invariably.
I think this is remarkable. It is so awesome that one little line from EFT can hold such a deep truth about life and healing. It is great because it mirrors work I've done and it will make it so much easier to leave emotional pain behind, now that I consciously know this stuff. I have known for a couple of years that my feelings used to be so painful and scary to me and that now, somehow, they aren't, but I didn't know exactly why. It makes me wonder what other ground-shaking things I'm going to discover along the way!
happyNovember 9th, 2006
This is what my inbox looks like right now:
Every one of those messages is from someone who mistakenly got invited to be our tribe.net friend. Most of them at the moment are bounced messages or auto-replies, because this just happened a few minutes ago.
I am really, really pissed off at tribe.net. I imported my contacts from Google and was presented with a page listing the friends that matched some of those addresses, with handy checkboxes so that I could select the ones I wanted to be friends with here... and then a list of the *233* addresses that didn't match an account here yet.
There was no way to select or deselect any of those addresses. There were only two options offered: skip, or invite friends. I tried "skip," in the hopes that it would "skip" inviting any friends but would still connect me with the people I had checked. It didn't do anything; it ignored all the friends I had checked.
I didn't want to have to search for and add each one of them by hand. I thought, well, since there are no checkboxes by all these other addresses it found, no way to invite just some of them, they can't POSSIBLY be going to add them all at once, right? When they say "invite," they must mean it in the sense of "inviting" tribe.net members to be my friend. There will probably be some page after this where I can select specific addresses and write them a message. IF NOTHING ELSE, there's CERTAINLY going to be a page where they show me the invitation message that they want to send all these *hundreds of addresses* and let me edit it and change things, RIGHT?
So I clicked "invite friends." And it went straight to a little page thanking me. And my email account suddenly filled with bounced email messages and auto-notify messages for addresses that had changed. And I realized that it had invited *two hundred and thirty-three people*, two hundred and thirty-three people who I had emailed once three years ago or knew very briefly or knew in a completely different context, to be my Tribe.net pal.
And it still hadn't connected me to any of the friends I checked off. What is the point of those checkboxes if they don't do anything?
So, if you got a message from us inviting you to create a tribe.net account and become our friend, please know that we had no intention of spamming you. You are always welcome to be our friend. But we never intended to promote tribe.net or harass hundreds of people in the process of saying so.
I've emailed tribe.net about this and posted to the community they've dedicated for people to share comments and brainstorm new ideas. I'm going to go now and post a public apology on our tribe.net page....
Every one of those messages is from someone who mistakenly got invited to be our tribe.net friend. Most of them at the moment are bounced messages or auto-replies, because this just happened a few minutes ago.
I am really, really pissed off at tribe.net. I imported my contacts from Google and was presented with a page listing the friends that matched some of those addresses, with handy checkboxes so that I could select the ones I wanted to be friends with here... and then a list of the *233* addresses that didn't match an account here yet.
There was no way to select or deselect any of those addresses. There were only two options offered: skip, or invite friends. I tried "skip," in the hopes that it would "skip" inviting any friends but would still connect me with the people I had checked. It didn't do anything; it ignored all the friends I had checked.
I didn't want to have to search for and add each one of them by hand. I thought, well, since there are no checkboxes by all these other addresses it found, no way to invite just some of them, they can't POSSIBLY be going to add them all at once, right? When they say "invite," they must mean it in the sense of "inviting" tribe.net members to be my friend. There will probably be some page after this where I can select specific addresses and write them a message. IF NOTHING ELSE, there's CERTAINLY going to be a page where they show me the invitation message that they want to send all these *hundreds of addresses* and let me edit it and change things, RIGHT?
So I clicked "invite friends." And it went straight to a little page thanking me. And my email account suddenly filled with bounced email messages and auto-notify messages for addresses that had changed. And I realized that it had invited *two hundred and thirty-three people*, two hundred and thirty-three people who I had emailed once three years ago or knew very briefly or knew in a completely different context, to be my Tribe.net pal.
And it still hadn't connected me to any of the friends I checked off. What is the point of those checkboxes if they don't do anything?
So, if you got a message from us inviting you to create a tribe.net account and become our friend, please know that we had no intention of spamming you. You are always welcome to be our friend. But we never intended to promote tribe.net or harass hundreds of people in the process of saying so.
I've emailed tribe.net about this and posted to the community they've dedicated for people to share comments and brainstorm new ideas. I'm going to go now and post a public apology on our tribe.net page....
November 8th, 2006
That's our website! I just updated it with a ton of new brochures, information about (and pictures of!) our "therapy kitties," and lots of great tweaks to the style. The background picture is big enough not to tile now, everything's a little smaller and more streamlined, it's just more fun. Next: a way to register for workshops or schedule sessions online!
I took a walk down the 800 block of our street today and dropped off 41 flyers. Well, 39, really, and two more to closer neighbors!
It was a very nice walk. The sky was really blue and the street is really really beautiful. That block is especially full of great houses in gorgeous colors and really pretty gardens. I met some nice folks who were excited to hear about the clinic, too.
These particular flyers were brochures for the Idora Park Peace Program. I'm a little worried about them because they might not really convey that it's a clinic for all kinds of health issues, physical ones too. But you know, emotional and physical problems are so intertwined that either one is likely to come up in any session for the other. And it does say something about how people should think of it just as a community health clinic, I think. We'll see what kind of response we get!
It was a very nice walk. The sky was really blue and the street is really really beautiful. That block is especially full of great houses in gorgeous colors and really pretty gardens. I met some nice folks who were excited to hear about the clinic, too.
These particular flyers were brochures for the Idora Park Peace Program. I'm a little worried about them because they might not really convey that it's a clinic for all kinds of health issues, physical ones too. But you know, emotional and physical problems are so intertwined that either one is likely to come up in any session for the other. And it does say something about how people should think of it just as a community health clinic, I think. We'll see what kind of response we get!
I have a year-old kitten my son rescued from our street and named Carrot. He's one of our "therapy cats" here at EBET! Well, he has a tendency to throw up at night, maybe a few times a month, sometimes less frequently. He can go weeks or months without doing it, and then cycle back into it.
It never occurred to me to use EFT on it until today. He started making the barfy noise on the couch, and I went over to him to see if I could do anything to help keep him from throwing up, or at least from doing it on the couch! But I thought moving him would make him feel worse. Then I started doing EFT on him and the heaving slowed down and stopped entirely! A moment later he was purring and trying to climb into my lap. What a relief! I'll have to use this to help him stop throwing up at night - or at all.
It never occurred to me to use EFT on it until today. He started making the barfy noise on the couch, and I went over to him to see if I could do anything to help keep him from throwing up, or at least from doing it on the couch! But I thought moving him would make him feel worse. Then I started doing EFT on him and the heaving slowed down and stopped entirely! A moment later he was purring and trying to climb into my lap. What a relief! I'll have to use this to help him stop throwing up at night - or at all.
Exciting: I learned how to add a tiny little "favorites icon" to our website, the kind that (in theory at least) appears next to the url in your browser window. It's a tiny house that looks just like EBET!
October 29th, 2006
Is this not an awesome Craigslist ad?
I also paid the Thumbtack Bugle people $60 to distribute 100 of the flyers for those workshops... and now I'm wishing that I had asked them things like how they decide where to distribute them...! But I can still ask....
I've also sent a packet of our brochures and event flyers out to about 52 local clinics and community centers. There are so many in the Bay Area. We're very lucky! Next I'll try to finish the EBET blog and myspace page.... and go around posting more flyers myself.
So anyway, I love EFT. Last week I had a sore throat and I felt like I was getting sick, and I did EFT on the sore throat and everything was fine. Like, the sore throat went away completely after less than two rounds, and then I felt really tired all of a sudden and took a nap and I never did get sick.
And then a couple of nights ago I was slicing stale bread and I cut my thumb with the bread knife. And it was bleeding, and I was sucking on it, and then I got tired of the taste of blood, and it hurt, and it wouldn't stop bleeding even when I held it above my head and tried the old girl scout pressure-point trick like tourniquets use, and I finally did EFT on it and during the second round it not only stopped hurting, it felt good. And I don't mean in some getting-off-on-the-endorphins kind of way, I mean it didn't hurt at all and it felt like a happy thumb on a normal day!
And then the other morning I woke up early worrying about money and whether anyone would come to my workshops and whether I had already spent all my money and whether I would check my bank account and find it magically overdrawn because I hadn't looked at it recently, and a lot of similar stuff that I couldn't do anything about right then and had no reason to be scared of. And I did EFT on that (I was half-asleep, I don't even remember doing the EFT but I remember THAT I did it, if you know what I mean) and in the course of doing that, I ended up feeling really, really good and stable and calm and happy inside. And a lot of the time when I have felt like that, it's like... a table top that isn't connected to the legs, like if I push on it it'll flip up and smack me and fall apart.
But this was different, totally solid and there was nothing I could do to budge it! Serenity. It was very very cool. Gotta love this stuff!
I also paid the Thumbtack Bugle people $60 to distribute 100 of the flyers for those workshops... and now I'm wishing that I had asked them things like how they decide where to distribute them...! But I can still ask....
I've also sent a packet of our brochures and event flyers out to about 52 local clinics and community centers. There are so many in the Bay Area. We're very lucky! Next I'll try to finish the EBET blog and myspace page.... and go around posting more flyers myself.
So anyway, I love EFT. Last week I had a sore throat and I felt like I was getting sick, and I did EFT on the sore throat and everything was fine. Like, the sore throat went away completely after less than two rounds, and then I felt really tired all of a sudden and took a nap and I never did get sick.
And then a couple of nights ago I was slicing stale bread and I cut my thumb with the bread knife. And it was bleeding, and I was sucking on it, and then I got tired of the taste of blood, and it hurt, and it wouldn't stop bleeding even when I held it above my head and tried the old girl scout pressure-point trick like tourniquets use, and I finally did EFT on it and during the second round it not only stopped hurting, it felt good. And I don't mean in some getting-off-on-the-endorphins kind of way, I mean it didn't hurt at all and it felt like a happy thumb on a normal day!
And then the other morning I woke up early worrying about money and whether anyone would come to my workshops and whether I had already spent all my money and whether I would check my bank account and find it magically overdrawn because I hadn't looked at it recently, and a lot of similar stuff that I couldn't do anything about right then and had no reason to be scared of. And I did EFT on that (I was half-asleep, I don't even remember doing the EFT but I remember THAT I did it, if you know what I mean) and in the course of doing that, I ended up feeling really, really good and stable and calm and happy inside. And a lot of the time when I have felt like that, it's like... a table top that isn't connected to the legs, like if I push on it it'll flip up and smack me and fall apart.
But this was different, totally solid and there was nothing I could do to budge it! Serenity. It was very very cool. Gotta love this stuff!
October 28th, 2006
This weekend I presented the short version of the Fear worksho - now renamed Freedom From Fear - at the Codependents Anonymous miniconference. It was awesome; people came to it (which, funnily enough, was not the case with the workshop that we were actually on the schedule to do! About 15-30 people came to the Fear one, three came to the one on Sponsorship. Of course, there were three or four other workshops on Sponsorship on the schedule.) and everyone seemed to really like it and get a lot out of it. And I was very well-behaved in not promoting my business or workshops at all - because that would totally violate the 6th tradition of the twelve traditions that the program is built on, et cetera. I can't go to a CoDA event and be like "you should totally give me money and use my services." But I got the impression that when I do it "for real" at other venues, people will be interested in the rest of what we do as a result. Which is exactly what the universe has been telling me!
So, the really cool thing was that normally, I would have ben sweating buckets and totally scared durin the whole workshop. And obsessing about everyone in it and whether they liked it and what they thought I was doing wrong and what I should do to make them like me and think I was doing a good job. Which I did do some of - but mostly, I wasn't scared! I was able to be really calm and secure in what I was doing! And that's such a great display of the work that I've been doing this whole year - and the message of the workshop! It was so much fun.
So, the really cool thing was that normally, I would have ben sweating buckets and totally scared durin the whole workshop. And obsessing about everyone in it and whether they liked it and what they thought I was doing wrong and what I should do to make them like me and think I was doing a good job. Which I did do some of - but mostly, I wasn't scared! I was able to be really calm and secure in what I was doing! And that's such a great display of the work that I've been doing this whole year - and the message of the workshop! It was so much fun.
October 26th, 2006
I wrote descriptions for four more workshops and made a brochure for all of them!
The Childcare Workshop introduces participants to handy acupressure techniques that can be used to heal childhood fears, colic, temper tantrums, bedwetting, bullying, nightmares, and many other common (and uncommon) problems, Great for teachers, babysitters, foster parents, nannies, daycare providers, grandparents, other family members - anyone who cares for children!
Participants will learn and practice basic EFT techniques on themselves; will learn playful ways to introduce EFT to children; will complete roleplaying exercises with a partner; and will share different situations in which they would like to incorporate this helpful material.
The Kids’ Workshop teaches children of all ages basic EFT tricks and techniques using games and fun exercises. Participants share common troubles and practice using these tools to heal sibling rivalry, test anxiety, junk food cravings, and scary memories.
Participants will learn basic EFT techniques. Younger children will listen to a story about common childhood problems and learn how to use EFT to resolve similar problems in their own lives; teenagers and pre-teens will discuss what angers and scares them and learn EFT techniques for dealing with these issues. Everyone will have the opportunity to discuss different tools for self-care around food, family, feelings, and other fun stuff.
The Transgender Workshop addresses many common fears in the transgender community. Participants explore common bonds across the community and learn to release fears of all kinds - from the drag king’s stage fright to the common codependent fears around passing - and reclaim the power they so richly deserve in their lives.
Participants will share their experiences in their gender journeys; explore their own investments in what other people think of them in public and personal relationships; and practice easy EFT techniques and other tools for releasing their fears and embracing their true selves.
The Health Workshop teaches the history of EFT, basic EFT skills, and coaches participants through applying EFT to achieve relief from simple health problems like migraines, colds and fevers, cuts and bruises, and tension.
Participants will learn how EFT was developed; learn the basic EFT procedure; be guided through practicing it on current physical problems; and discuss simple tips and troubleshooting techniques as well as other potential applications.
The Childcare Workshop introduces participants to handy acupressure techniques that can be used to heal childhood fears, colic, temper tantrums, bedwetting, bullying, nightmares, and many other common (and uncommon) problems, Great for teachers, babysitters, foster parents, nannies, daycare providers, grandparents, other family members - anyone who cares for children!
Participants will learn and practice basic EFT techniques on themselves; will learn playful ways to introduce EFT to children; will complete roleplaying exercises with a partner; and will share different situations in which they would like to incorporate this helpful material.
The Kids’ Workshop teaches children of all ages basic EFT tricks and techniques using games and fun exercises. Participants share common troubles and practice using these tools to heal sibling rivalry, test anxiety, junk food cravings, and scary memories.
Participants will learn basic EFT techniques. Younger children will listen to a story about common childhood problems and learn how to use EFT to resolve similar problems in their own lives; teenagers and pre-teens will discuss what angers and scares them and learn EFT techniques for dealing with these issues. Everyone will have the opportunity to discuss different tools for self-care around food, family, feelings, and other fun stuff.
The Transgender Workshop addresses many common fears in the transgender community. Participants explore common bonds across the community and learn to release fears of all kinds - from the drag king’s stage fright to the common codependent fears around passing - and reclaim the power they so richly deserve in their lives.
Participants will share their experiences in their gender journeys; explore their own investments in what other people think of them in public and personal relationships; and practice easy EFT techniques and other tools for releasing their fears and embracing their true selves.
The Health Workshop teaches the history of EFT, basic EFT skills, and coaches participants through applying EFT to achieve relief from simple health problems like migraines, colds and fevers, cuts and bruises, and tension.
Participants will learn how EFT was developed; learn the basic EFT procedure; be guided through practicing it on current physical problems; and discuss simple tips and troubleshooting techniques as well as other potential applications.
October 19th, 2006
Let me see. I want to write more about what the point of each of those workshops is to me, so that I know what I need to include in them.
They're based on my theory of the six things that people absolutely need in order to recover from abuse. Maybe if I brainstorm here about what that involves I'll get what I need:
FEAR: This is the flip side of recovery. It is our fear of how much we have harmed ourselves and others that fuels recovery at first. As we grow in recovery, we grow out of fear.
Every effect of abuse boils down to fear, one way or another. The better we understand our fear, the easier it is for us to leave our fear-based ways of living and move into loving, joyful lives. It is only by facing our fears that we can escape their dragging weight and soar.
This workshop is unlike the others because instead of teaching us to work its subject into our lives, it teaches us to face and then release it. Becoming able to release fear makes it much easier to take the brave, life-changing steps that all of us need in order to have the incredible lives we deserve.
HOPE: This is the absolute most basic thing that people need to begin recovery. They need to be able to believe that it is possible for things to change for them. They need to be able to imagine that things can be better. Recovery is like anything else: people need to hear at least some kind of argument that it is a Good Thing before they are willing to start working on it.
Even someone who is suicidal every few weeks, cutting, who can barely leave the house or function in their lives because they are so easily and violently triggered, who struggles with basic self-care and human relationships, won't be willing to start doing any kind of work on it unless they've seen that there honestly is something else out there for them, something better, and that other real people in their situation have gotten there. In fact, while many of us would assume that that person would be the first to do almost anything to change their painful life, the opposite is true - the weighty hopelessness created by years of abuse from within and without becomes nearly invisible to the sufferer. The energy it takes to deny most of this pain, and the pain of past abuse, is so great that there is almost none left for working toward change. In order to change anything, the suffering person must acknowledge the pain they are in, which releases much of that energy so that they can use it for recovery. This process is also known as "the first step."
Eventually, in recovery, this process becomes quicker and quicker. When people have really been working on their problems hard for several years, they begin to see what is possible in others' lives, understand how they got there, and take on the job of getting there themselves quite speedily. But at first, many people don't have the slightest idea that their lives not only can but should be better, much less the willingness to do anything necessary to get there. Hope is optimism, joy, that little spark of connection to the universe that leads us forward. It is like headlights in a tulle fog, showing us a little patch of safety and freedom up ahead.
COMPASSION: I keep debating whether this comes before or after boundaries. I suspect that in order to be willing to take that scary step of setting boundaries, we have to have enough compassion for ourselves to understand that we deserve to set them.
Compassion is crucial, most of all for ourselves. We need to be able to raise our standards for our lives. We spend far too much of our time and energy worrying about what others will think, what we are "supposed" to do, how others feel about us, what we can do for other people. Recently I saw a poll on someone's livejournal where 16 people said that they would welcome a giftless guest to a party where gifts were expected, but half of them said that they wouldn't go to a gift-expecting party if they couldn't afford a gift. It is codependence, abuse, fear that make it seem eminently reasonable to hold ourselves to harsher rules and standards than we hold others. It is compassion that helps us balance that equation and strive only for our own true standards for humanity, instead of the unreasonable standards we fear everyone else will try to make us meet.
Compassion is the leavening that makes it possible for us to take on the heavy tasks of recovery. I have seen people work twelve-step programs as if the steps were some sort of personal punishment, using each one to scourge themselves for the wrongs they had done in their addiction. This compassionless method leaves out many of the crucial life-saving pieces of recovery. It is, for example, only with compassion that we can accurately tell the difference between situations in which we need to made amends and situations in which we are taking on inappropriate responsibility out of a sense of guilt and self-blame.
Compassion makes honesty and amends much less painful. It is only with compassion that we are able to really commit to sobriety of any kind - because committing to it in order to stop harming others makes it easy to argue that we understand this harm now and can control our addictions and act out without hurting anyone else. We can't really, deeply, commit to stopping until we can accept the ways that it also hurts us, and feel committed to doing anything to support and nurture ourselves instead. Which is why compassion is also the antidote to abuse.
BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are crucial to recovery from abuse. A boundary is the line between what is okay with us and what is not. One very simple definition of abuse is that it is treatment that is deeply and absolutelynot okay. The process of recovery, on one level, is the process of drawing and adjusting these lines over and over. We cautiously admit that a situation is not okay with us; fearfully and bravely declare our boundaries; become closer to our own feelings and experiences in our lives; learn new things about where our boundaries need to be as a result; and carefully redraw that line in an even better place. And repeat the process, watching the adjustments become easier and smaller each time.
A boundary is our sense of what we need, of what we want, of what we deserve. At first, it is what we are willing to put up with; later, it is what we are willing to reach out and grab. Boundaries can make our lives safe, enjoyable, even luscious. They are crucial to recovery from any form of abuse or addiction because they are what make safety possible. Without safety and stability in our present-day lives, we can’t successfully heal from the chaos and pain of the past.
I remember how we went into CoDA meetings, almost four years ago, just wanting someone to tell us what boundaries we were allowed to have. Intellectually we knew that this was not really what boundaries were about – at least eventually we knew this – but still we wanted it, just to have some basic idea of what most people might be willing for us to say and do. We did find lists of “human rights” that explicitly said unbelievable things like “you have the right to say no to anything you want,” and that helped. But ultimately we had to (or got to) learn something much more important.
Boundaries are a function of human interaction. There are plenty of people who won’t respect any boundaries on that list; those are the people to walk away from. There are also people who will respect all of them but will never get the chance if you don’t believe in your own rights enough to try them. Everything in between those two extremes is also up to you. If we can create worlds for ourselves in which we are always in an abusive relationship and an abusive work environment, we can also create worlds in which we have all the rights and power that we want. That’s the incredible thing about recovery from abuse: once you attain adulthood, you have absolute power over the presence of abuse in your life. And the shitty thing about abuse is that it is only the non-abused folks who arrive in the adult world knowing that. The rest of us have to learn it the hard way – but we can.
HONESTY: To be able to bear the burning glare of honesty requires the cooling shade of compassion. But what about boundaries? Should they precede or follow honesty in our travel through recovery?
Of course, all of these elements stay with us and build on one another. But they tend to come in a certain order, at least when we start out with none of them truly under our belts. I think that compassion naturally leads to discovering and understanding our boundaries. And this understanding is the beginning of real honesty in our lives.
Honesty comes so late in this list because it is so intimidating and difficult. It can be terrifying to admit the ways that we have harmed ourselves and others, the bad decisions we have made, and especially the behaviors we need to change. It is also incredibly, deeply necessary. Without rigorous honesty, our efforts to love ourselves, to choose better things in our lives, and to set boundaries with ourselves and others will inevitably grind to a halt, leaving us stuck in a slurry of self-abusive behavior.
SUPPORT AND SERVICE: These are two sides of the same coin: community. There is no workshop for these because they can only be achieved through individual action. Everyone in recovery – or, more accurately, every living being everywhere – needs a community of support. That is how we learn that we are worthy of love and admiration. If we do not learn this as children, we need to find a way to get it as adults.
Humans thrive on community. We are meant to have healthy, interdependent relationships in which we can get our needs met, and help others get their needs met, in appropriate ways that allow everyone room for growth. Just as we need to have a community that supports us – to help us move, to tickle our funnybones, to split the cost of a pizza, to experience joy and sorrow together, to talk things out – we also need to do service in that community.
Service balances the equation. It teaches us that it is all right for us to get support by letting us see what it is like to give that support. In twelve-step programs, people are encouraged to “sponsor” others, to help them work the steps. Sponsors inevitably find that they get as much out of this relationship as their sponsees do, whether it is by seeing much their own lives have changed or by being inspired by an action or point of view they’d never thought of. That is how service works: it reminds us of how far we’ve come and helps us grow further.
They're based on my theory of the six things that people absolutely need in order to recover from abuse. Maybe if I brainstorm here about what that involves I'll get what I need:
FEAR: This is the flip side of recovery. It is our fear of how much we have harmed ourselves and others that fuels recovery at first. As we grow in recovery, we grow out of fear.
Every effect of abuse boils down to fear, one way or another. The better we understand our fear, the easier it is for us to leave our fear-based ways of living and move into loving, joyful lives. It is only by facing our fears that we can escape their dragging weight and soar.
This workshop is unlike the others because instead of teaching us to work its subject into our lives, it teaches us to face and then release it. Becoming able to release fear makes it much easier to take the brave, life-changing steps that all of us need in order to have the incredible lives we deserve.
HOPE: This is the absolute most basic thing that people need to begin recovery. They need to be able to believe that it is possible for things to change for them. They need to be able to imagine that things can be better. Recovery is like anything else: people need to hear at least some kind of argument that it is a Good Thing before they are willing to start working on it.
Even someone who is suicidal every few weeks, cutting, who can barely leave the house or function in their lives because they are so easily and violently triggered, who struggles with basic self-care and human relationships, won't be willing to start doing any kind of work on it unless they've seen that there honestly is something else out there for them, something better, and that other real people in their situation have gotten there. In fact, while many of us would assume that that person would be the first to do almost anything to change their painful life, the opposite is true - the weighty hopelessness created by years of abuse from within and without becomes nearly invisible to the sufferer. The energy it takes to deny most of this pain, and the pain of past abuse, is so great that there is almost none left for working toward change. In order to change anything, the suffering person must acknowledge the pain they are in, which releases much of that energy so that they can use it for recovery. This process is also known as "the first step."
Eventually, in recovery, this process becomes quicker and quicker. When people have really been working on their problems hard for several years, they begin to see what is possible in others' lives, understand how they got there, and take on the job of getting there themselves quite speedily. But at first, many people don't have the slightest idea that their lives not only can but should be better, much less the willingness to do anything necessary to get there. Hope is optimism, joy, that little spark of connection to the universe that leads us forward. It is like headlights in a tulle fog, showing us a little patch of safety and freedom up ahead.
COMPASSION: I keep debating whether this comes before or after boundaries. I suspect that in order to be willing to take that scary step of setting boundaries, we have to have enough compassion for ourselves to understand that we deserve to set them.
Compassion is crucial, most of all for ourselves. We need to be able to raise our standards for our lives. We spend far too much of our time and energy worrying about what others will think, what we are "supposed" to do, how others feel about us, what we can do for other people. Recently I saw a poll on someone's livejournal where 16 people said that they would welcome a giftless guest to a party where gifts were expected, but half of them said that they wouldn't go to a gift-expecting party if they couldn't afford a gift. It is codependence, abuse, fear that make it seem eminently reasonable to hold ourselves to harsher rules and standards than we hold others. It is compassion that helps us balance that equation and strive only for our own true standards for humanity, instead of the unreasonable standards we fear everyone else will try to make us meet.
Compassion is the leavening that makes it possible for us to take on the heavy tasks of recovery. I have seen people work twelve-step programs as if the steps were some sort of personal punishment, using each one to scourge themselves for the wrongs they had done in their addiction. This compassionless method leaves out many of the crucial life-saving pieces of recovery. It is, for example, only with compassion that we can accurately tell the difference between situations in which we need to made amends and situations in which we are taking on inappropriate responsibility out of a sense of guilt and self-blame.
Compassion makes honesty and amends much less painful. It is only with compassion that we are able to really commit to sobriety of any kind - because committing to it in order to stop harming others makes it easy to argue that we understand this harm now and can control our addictions and act out without hurting anyone else. We can't really, deeply, commit to stopping until we can accept the ways that it also hurts us, and feel committed to doing anything to support and nurture ourselves instead. Which is why compassion is also the antidote to abuse.
BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are crucial to recovery from abuse. A boundary is the line between what is okay with us and what is not. One very simple definition of abuse is that it is treatment that is deeply and absolutelynot okay. The process of recovery, on one level, is the process of drawing and adjusting these lines over and over. We cautiously admit that a situation is not okay with us; fearfully and bravely declare our boundaries; become closer to our own feelings and experiences in our lives; learn new things about where our boundaries need to be as a result; and carefully redraw that line in an even better place. And repeat the process, watching the adjustments become easier and smaller each time.
A boundary is our sense of what we need, of what we want, of what we deserve. At first, it is what we are willing to put up with; later, it is what we are willing to reach out and grab. Boundaries can make our lives safe, enjoyable, even luscious. They are crucial to recovery from any form of abuse or addiction because they are what make safety possible. Without safety and stability in our present-day lives, we can’t successfully heal from the chaos and pain of the past.
I remember how we went into CoDA meetings, almost four years ago, just wanting someone to tell us what boundaries we were allowed to have. Intellectually we knew that this was not really what boundaries were about – at least eventually we knew this – but still we wanted it, just to have some basic idea of what most people might be willing for us to say and do. We did find lists of “human rights” that explicitly said unbelievable things like “you have the right to say no to anything you want,” and that helped. But ultimately we had to (or got to) learn something much more important.
Boundaries are a function of human interaction. There are plenty of people who won’t respect any boundaries on that list; those are the people to walk away from. There are also people who will respect all of them but will never get the chance if you don’t believe in your own rights enough to try them. Everything in between those two extremes is also up to you. If we can create worlds for ourselves in which we are always in an abusive relationship and an abusive work environment, we can also create worlds in which we have all the rights and power that we want. That’s the incredible thing about recovery from abuse: once you attain adulthood, you have absolute power over the presence of abuse in your life. And the shitty thing about abuse is that it is only the non-abused folks who arrive in the adult world knowing that. The rest of us have to learn it the hard way – but we can.
HONESTY: To be able to bear the burning glare of honesty requires the cooling shade of compassion. But what about boundaries? Should they precede or follow honesty in our travel through recovery?
Of course, all of these elements stay with us and build on one another. But they tend to come in a certain order, at least when we start out with none of them truly under our belts. I think that compassion naturally leads to discovering and understanding our boundaries. And this understanding is the beginning of real honesty in our lives.
Honesty comes so late in this list because it is so intimidating and difficult. It can be terrifying to admit the ways that we have harmed ourselves and others, the bad decisions we have made, and especially the behaviors we need to change. It is also incredibly, deeply necessary. Without rigorous honesty, our efforts to love ourselves, to choose better things in our lives, and to set boundaries with ourselves and others will inevitably grind to a halt, leaving us stuck in a slurry of self-abusive behavior.
SUPPORT AND SERVICE: These are two sides of the same coin: community. There is no workshop for these because they can only be achieved through individual action. Everyone in recovery – or, more accurately, every living being everywhere – needs a community of support. That is how we learn that we are worthy of love and admiration. If we do not learn this as children, we need to find a way to get it as adults.
Humans thrive on community. We are meant to have healthy, interdependent relationships in which we can get our needs met, and help others get their needs met, in appropriate ways that allow everyone room for growth. Just as we need to have a community that supports us – to help us move, to tickle our funnybones, to split the cost of a pizza, to experience joy and sorrow together, to talk things out – we also need to do service in that community.
Service balances the equation. It teaches us that it is all right for us to get support by letting us see what it is like to give that support. In twelve-step programs, people are encouraged to “sponsor” others, to help them work the steps. Sponsors inevitably find that they get as much out of this relationship as their sponsees do, whether it is by seeing much their own lives have changed or by being inspired by an action or point of view they’d never thought of. That is how service works: it reminds us of how far we’ve come and helps us grow further.
Annie, out of nowhere: "Dude. Physical abuse is a kinesthetic reinforement of low self-esteem."
She wants me to specify that she's including sexual abuse within physical abuse.
Discuss!
She wants me to specify that she's including sexual abuse within physical abuse.
Discuss!
October 12th, 2006
So, I talked to one of the pastors at church about doing the workshops there. She was interested and asked me to send her descriptions and objectives and mission statement and timeframe and number of people and lead time that I need. So it's good that I talked to her, because I got a lot more insight into the kind of information that I need to give people! And I outlined a bunch of the workshops (more are coming) which will make it easier to write scripts for them (two are finished! barring future changes) and it inspired me to make a brochure that I can give organizations to show them the kind of workshops I can present!
Check me out:
Mission Statement: This series of five workshops is designed to expand understanding of the nature and effects of abuse and, most importantly, to instill the elements that are necessary for a successful recovery.
Timeframe: I have 1.5 hour and 3 hour versions of each class. The two versions cover similar material, but the longer versions include more information and explore the material in more depth. You can choose any number of the classes for your venue.
# of People: Unlimited; the presentation and exercises can be adjusted to accommodate three participants as easily as three hundred.
Lead Time: At least a week of lead time is required in order to advertise the workshop properly.
Descriptions and Objectives:
The Fear Workshop explores the many faces of fear, including anxiety, shame, and even anger. Participants are guided through a variety of tools for putting fear in its place, and discover the abundant world that their fear has been blocking for so long.
Participants in this workshop will learn to identify their fear in its many disguises; will learn to use EFT to dispel their fears; will explore the roots of their fears; and will become able to recognize the dreams and goals that their fear has hidden from them.
The Hope Workshop will guide participants in seeing how people can heal from the damage of trauma and abuse. Along the way, they will discover the passions and interests they have abandoned, explore their potential calling, and plan how to integrate joy and dreams into their daily lives.
Participants in this workshop will gain a greater understanding of the common effects of abuse; will learn from special speakers that healing is possible even in the most extreme cases; will complete written, collaged, and group exercises designed to help them rediscover abandoned parts of themselves and recommit to joy.
The Compassion Workshop will teach participants to distinguish between their abuse and their true value, and unearth a well of compassion for themselves that can release emotional pain and body memories. Perhaps most importantly, this compassion will lead to the ability to raise their standards for themselves and build wonderful lives. It's easy when you can truly commit to yourself!
Participants will learn to apply EFT to release the shame and guilt that they took on for their own abuse histories; will learn and discuss specific levels of self-care; will recognize and learn to combat negative self-talk and other forms of self-abuse; will create "before and after" artwork illustrating what causes them pain in life and how they can change it; and will commit to the group to make specific changes.
The Boundaries Workshop will use fun physical and written exercises to identify boundaries. Participants will become experts in their own feelings, and do great detective work using those feelings to unearth long-neglected boundaries. From there, they will find out how to express, defend, and respect their own and other people's boundaries, and become incredibly powerful in their own lives.
Participants will perform kinesthetic balancing exercises with a partner; will learn tricks for identifying previously avoided emotions; will do written exercises that explore resentments to reveal the boundaries within and the power of responsibility; will engage in further kinesthetic exercises using marbles to visualize the power they are giving away or reclaiming; and will learn to use EFT to strip the fear from their plans to reclaim their boundaries. Particular attention will be given to self-abuse and the way we violate our own boundaries without noticing.
The Honesty Workshop will challenge participants to take careful inventory of self-harming behaviors from bulimia to bouncing checks. It is only by being honest with ourselves about what we want, need, feel, and do that we can become free. This workshop will focus on integrating the commitments and experiences from past weeks and preparing to move into newly joyous and free lives.
Participants will complete a written exercise which helps identify present self-harming behaviors; will learn the connections between past abuse and present-day life; will learn to use EFT to let go of shame around self-harming behaviors, as well as the behaviors themselves; will share their experiences of the workshop series and/or their personal recovery work overall; and will receive tools for continuing this work outside of the workshop environment.
Check me out:
Mission Statement: This series of five workshops is designed to expand understanding of the nature and effects of abuse and, most importantly, to instill the elements that are necessary for a successful recovery.
Timeframe: I have 1.5 hour and 3 hour versions of each class. The two versions cover similar material, but the longer versions include more information and explore the material in more depth. You can choose any number of the classes for your venue.
# of People: Unlimited; the presentation and exercises can be adjusted to accommodate three participants as easily as three hundred.
Lead Time: At least a week of lead time is required in order to advertise the workshop properly.
Descriptions and Objectives:
The Fear Workshop explores the many faces of fear, including anxiety, shame, and even anger. Participants are guided through a variety of tools for putting fear in its place, and discover the abundant world that their fear has been blocking for so long.
Participants in this workshop will learn to identify their fear in its many disguises; will learn to use EFT to dispel their fears; will explore the roots of their fears; and will become able to recognize the dreams and goals that their fear has hidden from them.
The Hope Workshop will guide participants in seeing how people can heal from the damage of trauma and abuse. Along the way, they will discover the passions and interests they have abandoned, explore their potential calling, and plan how to integrate joy and dreams into their daily lives.
Participants in this workshop will gain a greater understanding of the common effects of abuse; will learn from special speakers that healing is possible even in the most extreme cases; will complete written, collaged, and group exercises designed to help them rediscover abandoned parts of themselves and recommit to joy.
The Compassion Workshop will teach participants to distinguish between their abuse and their true value, and unearth a well of compassion for themselves that can release emotional pain and body memories. Perhaps most importantly, this compassion will lead to the ability to raise their standards for themselves and build wonderful lives. It's easy when you can truly commit to yourself!
Participants will learn to apply EFT to release the shame and guilt that they took on for their own abuse histories; will learn and discuss specific levels of self-care; will recognize and learn to combat negative self-talk and other forms of self-abuse; will create "before and after" artwork illustrating what causes them pain in life and how they can change it; and will commit to the group to make specific changes.
The Boundaries Workshop will use fun physical and written exercises to identify boundaries. Participants will become experts in their own feelings, and do great detective work using those feelings to unearth long-neglected boundaries. From there, they will find out how to express, defend, and respect their own and other people's boundaries, and become incredibly powerful in their own lives.
Participants will perform kinesthetic balancing exercises with a partner; will learn tricks for identifying previously avoided emotions; will do written exercises that explore resentments to reveal the boundaries within and the power of responsibility; will engage in further kinesthetic exercises using marbles to visualize the power they are giving away or reclaiming; and will learn to use EFT to strip the fear from their plans to reclaim their boundaries. Particular attention will be given to self-abuse and the way we violate our own boundaries without noticing.
The Honesty Workshop will challenge participants to take careful inventory of self-harming behaviors from bulimia to bouncing checks. It is only by being honest with ourselves about what we want, need, feel, and do that we can become free. This workshop will focus on integrating the commitments and experiences from past weeks and preparing to move into newly joyous and free lives.
Participants will complete a written exercise which helps identify present self-harming behaviors; will learn the connections between past abuse and present-day life; will learn to use EFT to let go of shame around self-harming behaviors, as well as the behaviors themselves; will share their experiences of the workshop series and/or their personal recovery work overall; and will receive tools for continuing this work outside of the workshop environment.
October 4th, 2006
Well, EBET got out and participated in the Mills College Health Fair today. I had so much fun!
I got free lunch, which is always nice, and the food looks actually good which is not always the case in these situations. And I got to do four EFT mini-sessions with people, and that was a lot of fun, and they got a lot of relief from their problems, and in a couple of cases we talked about what the process would be like if they came to me for other more complicated issues that they had identified.
And I got people for the mailing list, and lots of folks took newsletters and brochures and event flyers, and I mentioned to the Department of Student Life woman that I want to talk to her about having an event on-campus (you have no idea how cool this event will be) and I traded information with a lot of people like BAWAR (bay area women against rape) and HIFY (a queer youth health organization) and the Tang Center (UC berkeley health services). And someone's mom's friend does EFT, and someone's hairdresser does EFT, and it was all just very good.
And I signed up for another health fair in Berkeley from 9-3 on Oct. 28th! I should post more information about it later because it's hosted by some organization for some disease I have never, ever heard of. Apparently the most common blood disease. I could do a trivia contest here. What is the most common blood disease in the United States? Hint: It has a lot of consonants in it.
Plus I got a firefighter's hat!
I got free lunch, which is always nice, and the food looks actually good which is not always the case in these situations. And I got to do four EFT mini-sessions with people, and that was a lot of fun, and they got a lot of relief from their problems, and in a couple of cases we talked about what the process would be like if they came to me for other more complicated issues that they had identified.
And I got people for the mailing list, and lots of folks took newsletters and brochures and event flyers, and I mentioned to the Department of Student Life woman that I want to talk to her about having an event on-campus (you have no idea how cool this event will be) and I traded information with a lot of people like BAWAR (bay area women against rape) and HIFY (a queer youth health organization) and the Tang Center (UC berkeley health services). And someone's mom's friend does EFT, and someone's hairdresser does EFT, and it was all just very good.
And I signed up for another health fair in Berkeley from 9-3 on Oct. 28th! I should post more information about it later because it's hosted by some organization for some disease I have never, ever heard of. Apparently the most common blood disease. I could do a trivia contest here. What is the most common blood disease in the United States? Hint: It has a lot of consonants in it.
Plus I got a firefighter's hat!
August 29th, 2006
It is in Word format. Download it if you dare!
I am going to talk to the good people at the Reiki Center of the East Bay to see if they might be willing to include this sample newsletter - and a coupon for a free half-hour session - with their next newsletter mailing. In return, I could help stuff the envelopes, advertise them heavily, and return the favor when I have my own mailing list built up. And whatever else they might think would make it worth it.
I am looking at them because:
1. They are local and in a similar business
2. They have been around since 1992 and have a solid mailing list built up
3. I know that they do send out a newsletter of their own, whereas some places in a similar line of work just send out event announcements, or birthday coupons, or nothing.
(Plus, it turns out that Lottie is THEIR landlady too. Isn't that crazy? They are just up San Pablo from me!)
I'm excited that it only took me two days to put the newsletter together. Next comes designing the coupons and talking to the Reiki Center.
I am going to talk to the good people at the Reiki Center of the East Bay to see if they might be willing to include this sample newsletter - and a coupon for a free half-hour session - with their next newsletter mailing. In return, I could help stuff the envelopes, advertise them heavily, and return the favor when I have my own mailing list built up. And whatever else they might think would make it worth it.
I am looking at them because:
1. They are local and in a similar business
2. They have been around since 1992 and have a solid mailing list built up
3. I know that they do send out a newsletter of their own, whereas some places in a similar line of work just send out event announcements, or birthday coupons, or nothing.
(Plus, it turns out that Lottie is THEIR landlady too. Isn't that crazy? They are just up San Pablo from me!)
I'm excited that it only took me two days to put the newsletter together. Next comes designing the coupons and talking to the Reiki Center.